Life
by Maeleana
Summary: Complete. Songfics, looking into the lives of the pilots and friends after Endless Waltz. All Madonna songs, some lyrics have language content.
1. Human Nature

Human Nature- Part 1 in the Madonna Series of songfics by me. Song by Madonna & Companies, Fic by me.  
  
Warning: Random POV changes, please try to keep up but if you can't here's a basic rundown: it starts third person the goes to Sally, almost WuFei, Sally, totally WuFei, and finally third person. If you're truly confused email me and I'll try to explain what I did.  
  
Author's note: *hi* is thought, "ouchie" speech, and ~woohoo~ lyrics, this applies to all the songfics. I'm writing my first set of songfics kinda like a story each fic is a different chapter, because they all tie together. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Sally Po, also known as Preventer Water, was 'storming' down the hall to the office of Chang WuFei, her 'partner'.  
  
  
  
*I can't believe Lady Une wants me to talk to WuFei, sure he's my partner and I could usually get him to calm down, but he had crossed the line this time. *  
  
~Express yourself, don't repress yourself ~  
  
*I think Une blamed me for his outburst after all I was the one who told him he should be more open with everyone.*  
  
~Express yourself, don't repress yourself~  
  
*When I said that to him I didn't mean for him to tell everyone what was wrong with them.*  
  
1 ~Express yourself, don't repress yourself~  
  
*And I especially didn't mean for him to do so in public.*  
  
~Express yourself, don't repress yourself~  
  
  
  
Straightening my uniform and knocked on his office door. "WuFei? Can I come in? We need to talk." I can hear him mumbling a reply, assuming it's affirmative I walk in. "So what do you want onna?" He's not even looking up from his paperwork, "WuFei, what's wrong with you?" He looks up, a bit surprised.  
  
~And I'm not sorry [I'm not sorry]~  
  
"What do you mean 'what's wrong with me'? I merely tried taking your advice."  
  
~It's human nature [it's human nature]~  
  
Sighing I sit in the chair opposite him, "WuFei, I think you misunderstood me."  
  
~And I'm not sorry [I'm not sorry]~  
  
"Then perhaps you should take those speech lessons you keep talking about, then perhaps you'll learn to speak so you can be understood." He returns to his paperwork as if I'm not there.  
  
~I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me [it's human nature]~  
  
I can't believe it; he's trying to turn it so it's my fault! He hasn't always acted like this.  
  
  
  
I remember when I first met him, he was upset, and thought himself weak. He had said he wasn't worthy of piloting his Gundam, Shenlong, which he called Nataku.  
  
~You wouldn't let me say the words I longed to say~  
  
At that time I had tried to convince him that even weak people had to fight for what they believed in. But then, just like now, he had misunderstood me.  
  
~You didn't want to see life through my eyes~  
  
He didn't seem to understand that even though the guerillas I fought with suffered casualties and pain, we fought for with faith. We didn't like seeing our fellow countrymen suffering, not when we could do something about it.  
  
~[Express yourself, don't repress yourself]~  
  
He came to our aid before we could all be killed.  
  
~You tried to shove me back inside your narrow room~  
  
I had thought he had learned how to express himself, but then he retreated back into himself.  
  
~And silence me with bitterness and lies~  
  
When I asked him how he felt about the war, he replied that he was fine, and that it was the 'weak people' he should be worried.  
  
~[Express yourself, don't repress yourself]~  
  
I thought then exactly what I'm thinking now 'WuFei why won't you trust someone to help you see that you aren't weak?'  
  
  
  
Since he's ignoring me I guess I'll have to say something to get his attention, "Wufei? You do realize what you've done don't you?" He looks at me as if I've grown another head.  
  
~Did I say something wrong?~  
  
"You've managed to offend every female in the Preventers, including Lady Une and myself and some of the guys." He continues staring at me, "Maybe Duo was right and you need a girlfriend so you can 'get laid'." His jaw drops open, "Kisama!! Onna are you insane?!? Saying something like that, honestly."  
  
~Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about sex~  
  
I realize too late I just went too far.  
  
~[I musta been crazy]~  
  
"I'm sorry WuFei that was uncalled for, I shouldn't have said that."  
  
~Did I stay too long?~  
  
I start to get up to leave.  
  
~Oops, I didn't know I couldn't speak my mind~  
  
Then I realize, he just reprimanded me for having an opinion. He probably wants me to leave him alone...  
  
~[What was I thinking]~  
  
And I almost let him have his way.  
  
  
  
"You know what WuFei?" He doesn't bother looking at me, "What now onna?"  
  
~And I'm not sorry [I'm not sorry]~  
  
"I take it back, I'm not sorry I said that." That gets his attention, sort of, at least now he's looking at me. "Oh?"  
  
~It's human nature [it's human nature]~  
  
"Yeah, in fact I think I'm glad I said something."  
  
~And I'm not sorry [I'm not sorry]~  
  
He raises an eye at me as if I'm insane, "Onna what are you talking about?"  
  
~I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me [it's human nature]~  
  
I am so close to losing my temper with him, "I'm talking about the fact that you act like an ass to everyone!" That definately seemed to get his attention. "I what?" He looks at me in shock, I don't think he realized the effect his words had on everyone. "Wufei you've hurt people, more than any of them deserved. You told Une she was a 'dominating, controlling, psychotic, bitch', and that was Une. You've torn everyone to pieces. You told Heero he was a 'emotionless, possessive, eunuch', and he's supposed to be your friend." I definately got his attention, he seems shocked, I really don't think he knew what he did or said.  
  
  
  
~You punished me for telling you my fantasies~  
  
I feel a slight twinge in my chest, "You told me I was 'an idealistic, naive, pathetic, child', because I told you that I dreamed of absolute peace." It hurt to have someone I considered a friend insult.  
  
~I'm breakin' all the rules I didn't make~  
  
"I don't know why you insist that everyone is weak. Why won't you just talk to me? I don't want to be just your partner, I want to try to be your friend."  
  
~[Express yourself, don't repress yourself]~  
  
"What I had said before about you needing to be more open with others, is true.."  
  
~You took my words and made a trap for silly fools~  
  
I take a breath to gather my thoughts, "but I didn't mean for you to point out everyone's flaws in front of others."  
  
~You held me down and tried to make me break~  
  
"I'm used to how you act, I don't pay much mind to it but recently you've gone too far. What's wrong?"  
  
~[Express yourself, don't repress yourself]~  
  
He closes his eyes and sighs, "You wouldn't understand." I try to look him in the eye. "What wouldn't I understand?" He shakes his head and looks away. "Is this about someone you love?"  
  
  
  
~Did I say something true?~  
  
I can see him flinch a bit so I know I'm getting close, "Is it someone you want in a physical sense?"  
  
~Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about sex~  
  
He starts glaring at me.  
  
~[I musta been crazy]~  
  
"I'm sorry if this is offending you but that's what I'm seeing. You're acting like there's someone you want to be with that you can't."  
  
~Did I have a point of view?~  
  
If looks could kill.. "Wufei you need to talk about what's bothering you."  
  
~Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about you~  
  
"I don't see how my personal life is your business onna."  
  
~[What was I thinking]~  
  
"Fine then I'll just join the other Preventers who hate your guts right now, and would just as soon see you dead!" I get up and start leaving.  
  
  
  
~And I'm not sorry [I'm not sorry]~  
  
~It's human nature [it's human nature]~  
  
"I can't tell you what's wrong without explaining the whole truth." I stop and look at him as he continues, "and it might take a while.."  
  
~And I'm not sorry [I'm not sorry]~  
  
~I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me [it's human nature]~  
  
I sit back down, "I've got time but the moment you start ranting or become insulting I'm gone."  
  
  
  
~Express yourself, don't repress yourself~  
  
~Express yourself, don't repress yourself~  
  
He looks as if he's ordering his thoughts,  
  
~Express yourself, don't repress yourself~  
  
~Express yourself, don't repress yourself~  
  
"Wufei, whatever you have to say it's best you just say it." He looks me straight in the eye and I can tell how serious this is, "You have to swear to tell no one, Sally." I blink in surprise I didn't think it was this serious, "I swear I won't tell anyone unless you want me to."  
  
  
  
~And I'm not sorry [I'm not sorry]~  
  
~It's human nature [it's human nature]~  
  
He nods and begins "You may or may not know that I was once married," he doesn't wait for a response or reaction, "it was before the war, we didn't get along at all. But after a while I came to love her, but by then it was too late she died defending our colony, she denounced being a woman and became the warrior Nataku. The only reason I hated her in the first place was because it was an arranged marriage, I hated the fact that I had no say in my own life."  
  
~And I'm not sorry [I'm not sorry]~  
  
~I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me [it's human nature]~  
  
"I would probably act the same if I had it to do over again, but I would tell her that I loved her before she died. She had as many problems with the marriage as I did. She never wanted to be married ever. She spent everyday that we were married provoking me and telling me my faults. She said that if she had to marry she wanted a true warrior not a scholar."  
  
  
  
~And I'm not sorry [I'm not sorry]~  
  
~[I'm not apologizing]~  
  
"I don't regret my behavior, I did what I thought was right."  
  
~It's human nature [it's human nature]~  
  
~[Would it sound better if I were a man?]~  
  
He gets a distant look and I'm sure he's remembering her, "She once told me that she wanted to be a man, because then she could do as she pleased rather than be forced into a marriage she didn't want."  
  
~And I'm not sorry [I'm not sorry]~  
  
~[You're the one with the problem]~  
  
"She also said the world had no place for scholars anymore."  
  
~I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me [it's human nature]~  
  
~[Why don't you just deal with it]~  
  
"I tried my best to ignore her insults but I found that they hurt more than anything."  
  
  
  
~And I'm not sorry [I'm not sorry]~  
  
~[Would you like me better if I was?]~  
  
"I'm not apologizing for my behavior nor am I trying to explain it away." I'm confused, "WuFei why is this a problem now when it wasn't before?"  
  
~It's human nature [it's human nature]~  
  
~[We all feel the same way]~  
  
He looks at his paperwork, "It's the been exactly four years, to the day, since she died." I look at him in sympathy, "We all had our reasons for joining the war WuFei, but I think you might want to talk to one of the other guys. You five have more in common than you might think."  
  
~And I'm not sorry [I'm not sorry]~  
  
~[I have no regrets]~  
  
"You also might want to think about apologizing to those you offended most, especially Lady Une, that is before she orders your head cut off." He raises his eye and I can't help laughing at his expression, "You have to admit that you do have several people wishing you at least hurt. Before you talk to anyone else take sometime to think about things and look at how you've been acting."  
  
~I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me [it's human nature]~  
  
~[Just look in the mirror]~  
  
I set a video on his desk, it's a surveillance video highlighting his recent behavior, courtesy of Heero Yuy, then I get up and leave, I really hope he takes the time to think about what I said.  
  
  
  
~[I don't have to justify anything]~  
  
Sally finally left, I didn't want to tell her about you Meiran, but with the way things were going I had to say something for her to leave. I'm watching the video file she left, I'm surprised Une hasn't had me institutionalized for my behavior. It's something she would do. I suppose I'll send a memo to the other Preventers as an 'apology' and a separate one to Une.  
  
~[I'm just like you]~  
  
From: Chang WuFei  
  
To: All Preventers  
  
As you are all aware my behavior as of late has been unacceptable. Please excuse it as  
  
it was due to stress, and annoyance. In future I will contain my anger better.  
  
  
  
From: Chang WuFei  
  
To: Lady Une  
  
I wished to express my regret over what I had said to you it was uncalled for and out of  
  
line. If you wish to end my service as a Preventer I will understand.  
  
~[Why should I be?]~  
  
That should be satisfactory for them, they may never truly understand, but perhaps I will speak with one of the other former Gundam pilots. The question is which one, I refuse to talk with Maxwell he would mock me the whole time, Yuy will more than likely want to shoot me after my last comment to him. Which leaves Barton or Winner, neither much better than the others. Winner will be overly sympathetic, and if the saying 'still waters run deep' is true Barton is as deep as the planet is wide. But you already know how they act; I suppose I'll talk with you, you at least know what's happening. I'll see you tonight Meiran, no I correct myself, Nataku.  
  
~[Deal with it]~  
  
WuFei placed the papers he was looking at back in their folders, he had finished going over the reports hours ago he only had them out for appearance. It seemed if people thought you were busy the tended to not bother you as much. Placing the folders in the 'out' tray he turned off his computer and desk light, taking another glance around the office to be sure everything was in order. He left turning off the main light and locking the door. If he had truly inspected his office he would have noticed the mini- camera on his desk light, that was positioned to see not only the occupant of the desk, but the computer screen as well. 


	2. You'll See

You'll see-Madonna Series Part 2: Disclaimer: I don't own the characters portrayed herein, or the song. Song by Madonna and companies, Gundam Wing by a bunch of people and companies I don't want to offend by screwing up the spelling. The fic however is mine. Write me for any questions or if you want to steal it for your page or you just want to remind me that I'm an idiot.  
  
  
  
It's been almost two years since the Christmas Eve war, and three since I lost my closest living relatives, true Treize's Daughter considers me a cousin but I am not truly close to her. Not that I was close to Treize or Grandfather. This week I've been visiting graves, I went to Treize's and seen the graves of those who died for the war, and there are only two I have left to visit. After hearing that I was traveling to the area Lady Une invited me to stay with her and Mariemaia, I didn't refuse because I would actually enjoy getting to know Mariemaia better. Lady Une also decided I needed an escort for my safety; I don't understand why anyone who knows about the 'crazy blonde lady' stays far away from me. Even the former Gundam pilots mostly avoid me; I suppose that's why Heero Yuy was the one chosen to escort me around. I've left flowers on my father's grave the same kind every year, forget-me-nots, which leaves me with one grave to visit. I always put off visiting him until the last, part of me wishes to never visit his grave ever again, but I know I have to he was after all my Grandfather. Heero stands a few feet away, close enough for me to know he's there but far enough to give me privacy. Looking down at the grave marker I can feel the emotions I've denied since my father's death rise up.  
  
~you think that I can't live~  
  
~without your love, you'll see~  
  
"Why wouldn't you let me cry for him? He honestly loved me you didn't."  
  
~you think I can't go another day~  
  
~you think I have nothing~  
  
~without you by my side~  
  
"You tried to instill your ideas into me, and you succeeded for awhile but then I met them, the ones you called the enemy, they showed me how foolish I was to allow you to manipulate me like that."  
  
~you'll see somehow, some way~  
  
~you think that I can't laugh again~  
  
"When you died. I sometimes think it's my fault your dead. I was the one who told you, you should go into space, and it was the advice that got you killed. I didn't cry when you died because you always told me crying was for those who are truly pathetic and weak. I was still living under your rules then, and until the end of the war. I can't help but laugh at the foolish little girl I was. I was naïve and silly. Relena was more realistic than I was when it came to life. I actually cried for Treize, you didn't think I would did you?"  
  
~you'll see~  
  
~you think that you've done~  
  
~I'll never find my way back home~  
  
~you'll see somehow, some day~  
  
My tears are starting I know they are but just as when Grandfather was alive they don't show or fall, "When father died I was left with you as family and your home was my home, and when you died I had to figure out where home was and who family was. You left me alone."  
  
~all by myself~  
  
~I don't need anyone at all~  
  
~I know I'll survive~  
  
"But I discovered something, I'm not alone. As much as they don't know me Lady Une and Mariemaia treat me as if I've been around them my whole life. Relena's also treated me kindly, she's been treating as if I'm her best friend, which if it's true I feel sorry for her. I'm not the best friend type."  
  
~I know I'll stay alive~  
  
~all on my own~  
  
~I don't need anyone this time~  
  
"Even the former Gundam pilots are at the least nice to me, but I'm doing fine on my own, I tried to have a relationship, but it didn't work we were both to competitive to be a couple, luckily he's a better friend that date. I've found that I'm actually quite happy being alone. Yes I'll visit people but I really don't need to have someone in my life."  
  
~it will be mine~  
  
~no one can take it from me~  
  
~you'll see....~  
  
"I've discovered a new freedom since I began living alone, and it's wonderful. I know what you're thinking, I'm just saying that to delude myself, but it's true. I have a fish at my home that's company enough for me. that feels wonderful to say. 'my home'. which means it's mine I make the rules, I decide what goes on inside, me not you. You can't control me anymore Grandfather."  
  
~you think that you are strong~  
  
~but you are weak~  
  
~you'll see~  
  
~it takes more strength to cry~  
  
"You always told to be strong and not cry, but I've been taught by my friends that it takes more strength to cry than to conceal your emotions."  
  
~I have truth on my side~  
  
~you only have deceit~  
  
"I used to believe that your way was absolute truth, now I no it to be the falsehood of a bitter man."  
  
~you'll see somehow, some day~  
  
~all by my self~  
  
"That's what it was all about wasn't it Grandfather? I was a replacement for my mother because she didn't follow your beliefs, and she died. you decided that I would live the life she should have. Following your every order and believing your every word, but that's not the way it was meant to be. Mother was her own person just like I am. She was happy while she lived, she was happy with her decisions, and someday I'll make her proud of me."  
  
~I don't need anyone at all~  
  
~I know I'll survive~  
  
~I know I'll stay alive~  
  
~I'll stand on my own~  
  
"I'll make mother and father proud of me, I'll become a woman they can truly be proud of, and if you, wherever you are realize the truth, then perhaps you can be proud of me too."  
  
~I don't need anyone this time~  
  
~it will be mine~  
  
"Even if you aren't it doesn't matter I'll survive on my own." My tears are now falling, Grandfather's orders be damned, "Why did father have to leave me with you? I hated you, because you didn't let me be who I wanted to be!" I can hear myself yelling at his grave, and I know it's useless to do so but I can't stop "You treated me as if I was clay for you to mold, and I despised it. but things are different now. I can be whom I want and do as I please without having to answer to you or anyone! I have my freedom."  
  
~no one can take it from me~  
  
"It's my freedom and my life, not yours not anyone else's, I'll never let anyone control me or my life again. Good-bye Grandfather."  
  
~you'll see~  
  
As I turn I almost literally run into Heero, "How long have you been there?" His answer is merely to hug me awkwardly, he still hasn't gotten used to physical comfort. I hug him back briefly before pulling away and taking his hand to lead us back to the car, "Thank you Heero." A few feet from the car I let go of Heero's hand and turn to look back at the graveyard. I really am free now. 


	3. This Used to be My Playground

This Used To Be My Playground- Part 3 in series, Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam wing or this song; I only own the songfic and Preventer Nemesis. If you don't know who that is, you'll see. I also made up the colony name since I don't know the real name for the colony Duo's from. Author's note: this fic is in an odd format, see all speaking is done by Duo, but it's in Nemesis' POV and her thoughts describe all actions, she doesn't speak once in the fic.  
  
Duo Maxwell, former Gundam pilot 02 and self-proclaimed Shinigami, was in a bar in the slums of L2K-67530, a colony which itself was a slum of sorts. The former Shinigami wasn't alone in his drinking.  
  
"I can't believe Hilde got a place in the L2 colonies, I loving hanging with Hilde, but why L2, and why K-67530? Well I can't really fault her, I mean it's not like she did it on purpose. I had some time to kill before Hilde expected me, I kinda forgot to tell her my flight was early, but it gave me a chance to wander the colony without worrying her."  
  
~This used to be my playground [used to be]~  
  
~This used to be my childhood dream~  
  
"I didn't realize where I'd been walking, so when I looked up imagine my surprise to find myself in front of the old Maxwell Church. It still was just a pile of rubble even after all these years."  
  
~This used to be the place I ran to~  
  
~Whenever I was in need~  
  
"I remember vividly what it looked like in its best days, which weren't that great. Don't get me wrong Nemesis I'm not saying the church wasn't nice, but this colony has never given a thought to the less fortunate and the church was the home of the less fortunate." He finished his fourth beer, and motioned the bartender for another, luckily Preventer Nemesis was feeling generous and paying his tab. "After the plague took most people including any family I had and my friend Solo, I ended up at Maxwell church. The head priest, Father Maxwell was great, even if he was too kind, and Sister Helen."  
  
~Of a friend~  
  
"She was beautiful and loving, if I had the choice I would have had her for a mother. She told me that it didn't matter what the other kids said what mattered was what I believed."  
  
~Why did it have to end~  
  
"But then the church was destroyed, everyone says I was lucky to be out. I don't believe that, I was out stealing a mobile suit for some guerillas so they wouldn't hurt Sister Helen or Father Maxwell. When I got back the church was in ruins and everyone dead, except Sister Helen. She wasn't quite dead, but she was too far gone to save."  
  
~And why do they always say~  
  
He paused as he asked the bartender for a bottle of Jack Daniels he started on that before continuing,  
  
~Don't look back~  
  
After half the bottle is gone, he got me to join in drinking; luckily I'm recording this conversation I wouldn't be able to write anything at the rate he's got us drinking... "Everyone seems to think I've put the past behind me."  
  
~Keep your head held high~  
  
"but all I've done is hide my pain behind a smile and some jokes." We've just started the second bottle of Jack Daniels.  
  
~Don't ask them why~  
  
~Because life is short~  
  
"The way I figure it you have to live while you can otherwise you're a waste of life."  
  
~And before you know~  
  
~You're feeling old~  
  
~And your heart is breaking~  
  
"I'm always joking around with the others because I'm trying to get them to realize how much life is worth and how short it really is." He orders two shots of tequila, and gives one to me, how much can he drink?? After downing the tequila he continued, "When I got to the site of the church, I could swear I heard Sister Helen again."  
  
~Don't hold on to the past~  
  
~Well that's too much to ask~  
  
~Live and learn~  
  
~Well the years they flew~  
  
"I thought for a minute I that I saw her again, and she was smiling, then I thought I saw Father Maxwell, and he said, without moving his lips, that he and Sister Helen were proud of the boy I was and the person I've become."  
  
~And we never knew~  
  
~We were foolish then~  
  
~We would never tire~  
  
~And that little fire~  
  
"I don't see how they could have been proud of a grubby little thief." he now starts the bottle of bourbon gods, I dread tomorrow.  
  
~Is still alive in me~  
  
~It will never go away~  
  
~Can't say goodbye to yesterday [can't say goodbye]~  
  
"I'm glad they're proud of what I've become, I wasn't sure til just recently what I was. But when I heard you talking to Wufei about what you saw the Preventers as, well that was when it hit me. I'm no longer an orphan thief, who has nothing that resembles family."  
  
~No regrets~  
  
~But I wish that you~  
  
Thankfully he's gotten a mild alcohol, thank man for wine coolers, "I can't say I don't regret anything in life, because I do, I regret that I didn't get the medicine in time to save Solo, I regret that I didn't get the mobile suit in time to save Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, I regret drinking with Nicole, that was a big mistake. at least once a day I find myself wishing Sister Helen, Solo, and Father Maxwell were here with me. They were the only family I knew. That's not true anymore I have Hilde and the guys as family, and." he sighs and looks me in the eye, "You have to swear you won't tell anyone what I tell you. I know you're recording this but you can't let anyone know what I say tonight. Ever." I nod the only reason I'm recording the conversation is for one piece of information that he hasn't shared yet, I plan on giving him the tape when I'm done. He accepts my agreement, "Well besides Hilde and the guys, I'm gonna have one more member in my family, and all because I got drunk. That's another reason I wish Sister Helen and Solo were here, it wouldn't have happened if they were, Solo at least would have seen to that."  
  
~Were here with me~  
  
~Well then there's hope yet~  
  
~I can see your face~  
  
~In our secret place~  
  
"I went to the old hangout and saw the exact spot where Solo died, I talked to it as if he or his spirit was there listening, it felt good."  
  
~You're not just a memory~  
  
~Say goodbye to yesterday [the dream]~  
  
~Those are words I'll never say [I'll never say]~  
  
"I'm never gonna be able to leave my past behind me completely, but I think it's ok."  
  
~This used to be my playground [used to be]~  
  
~This used to be our pride and joy~  
  
~This used to be the place we ran to~  
  
~That no one in the world could dare destroy~  
  
"That's why I went to the church ruins, I had to talk to Sister Helen and Father Maxwell, just like I talked to Solo, I told them all I was sorry I couldn't save them, and that I missed. I told them about everything that happened during the wars and since."  
  
~This used to be our playground [used to be]~  
  
~This used to be our childhood dream~  
  
~This used to be the place we ran to~  
  
~I wish you were standing here with me~  
  
"I told them how much I wished they could be here with me, I told Sister Helen and Father Maxwell that as soon as I could I'd find a way to get the church rebuilt in their honor."  
  
~This used to be our playground [used to be]~  
  
~This used to be our childhood dream~  
  
~This used to be the place we ran to~  
  
"As much as the colony has changed it's stayed the same. You may not believe me but when I saw you earlier at the church, I thought you were an angel come to take my life." He's right I don't believe him especially after how much we've drunk, I'm going to start to act stupid if I drink anything else.  
  
~The best things in life are always free~  
  
He gets up from the bar and walks me outside, "Thanks for listening to a fool ramble, and for paying I owe you, his address is 'L1010S@preventer.net' but I didn't tell you that." He winks before he turns to leave, "I want to thank you for everything, you reminded me that not matter how much I miss Sister Helen, Solo, and Father Maxwell, I have people to call family. Later." He waves over his shoulder as he leaves.  
  
~Wishing you were here with me~ 


	4. Frozen

Frozen- Part 4 in Madonna Series. Author's note: the Disclaimer is at the end of the fic because it contains a spoiler.  
  
  
  
Sighing I open my first email, it's been a week since I had the chance to check my mail. I hate letting it go for even two days, I suppose it's a habit from the days of the war when an order could come at anytime. The first letter is from Duo, he's rambling about how 'he's bored, but fine how Hilde and I would be a great couple' I really wish he would stop trying to get me to 'date'. I will be sociable when I'm ready to be and not before, and I type that in my response to him, along with 'stop sending pointless emails'. Second letter is the memo from WuFei, I mentally calculate, yes it has been a week since Sally Po went to talk with him. Third is from Trowa, he will be traveling with the circus for the next eight months, and can be reached through them. I expected as much since the last picnic when he brought Catherine and she hovered over him frowning at Duo who had started a water fight. She seems to think Trowa can't take care of himself and needs to mothered over. Deleting the fourth letter before I read it, an advertisement for a new company. Random updates from Relena; Noin; Duo again; Dorothy; Hilde saying how Duo won't leave her alone about 'us'; Duo yet again, I'll have to threaten to kill him later; and finally. I don't know this address, I've never seen it before. I'm grateful for the automatic virus scan I have on my computer then I open the letter and read.  
  
  
  
Dear Heero Yuy;  
  
  
  
I'm sure you opened this email only out of curiosity, but that is what I had hoped for. I wanted to send this before I had a chance to think about what I'm doing, and decide against this.  
  
~You only see what your eyes want to see~  
  
I sometimes think you must be blind to not notice everything that happens around you.  
  
~How can life be what you want it to be~  
  
Nothing is ever as it seems, but some things are undeniable, I've fallen in love with you.  
  
~You're frozen when your heart's not open~  
  
~You're so consumed with how much you get~  
  
~You waste your time with hate and regret~  
  
I've asked myself why you, you don't show emotion to anyone, which you shouldn't do. You should never hide your emotions they're what make you real. I've seen you 'worry' about political affairs and the latest Preventer mission, but never anything else. I know you hate yourself for the war but you have to remember only a few people chose to kill willingly, and you weren't one of them.  
  
~You're frozen when your heart's not open~  
  
~If I could melt your heart~  
  
You act so cold and distant to everyone even your friends, I would like to be the one to show you how to open your heart without being hurt tooo badly. I know this letter seems like the foolish ramblings of a schoolgirl's crush, but what I'm feeling I've been trying to ignore and deny for almost a year. I do love you, and if you have any interest in becoming at least a friend to me I would be happy, if however, on the miraculous chance, you wish to know me as more than a friend I would be the happiest person in the world.  
  
~We'd never be apart~  
  
~Give yourself to me~  
  
Before you think to step up your security let me assure you I'm not a stalker, a raving lunatic, or someone out to kill you in revenge for past deeds. I am only someone who knows you that you may never have noticed, and has fallen in love with you. I don't know how I'll react once I come to my senses and realize I've sent you this letter, but for now I want to say that I think you are the most wonderful person I know.  
  
~You are the key~  
  
I won't say perfect for no one is perfect.  
  
~Now there's no point in placing the blame~  
  
~And you should know I'd suffer the same~  
  
You've probably been wondering how I got you address, please don't be mad at him but I got it from Duo Maxwell. It's not his fault, I got him half drunk and talked it out of him. And it cost me eight bottles of beer, two bottle of Jack Daniels, five shots of tequila, four wine coolers, a bottle of bourbon, this letter and a massive hangover tomorrow to, get it out of him. But I feel you're worth it.  
  
~If I lose you, my heart would be broken~  
  
I won't tell you who I am or sign my name at the end of this letter, I'm not quite that drunk, because if you know who I am and decided that I'm worthless, stupid or worse ugly I would die miserably. However if you don't know who I am you can imagine me as you wish to.  
  
~Love is a bird, she needs to fly~  
  
~Let all the hurt inside you die ~  
  
I've had every saying about love go through my mind before I started this letter, and the one that stood out the most was 'If you love someone let them go if they return to you then you know that they belong to you as much as you belong to them.' This may mean nothing to you but if you let go of your anger and pain from the past it someday might.  
  
~You're frozen when your heart's not open~  
  
~If I could melt your heart~  
  
~We'd never be apart~  
  
I know I've said, or more precisely typed, this before but I love you and I hope to someday become at least your friend. I have to say I'm thankful for the spell check on this computer. I'm starting to laugh now because I'm listening to a song that makes me think of you. I won't say which song and by the time you decide if you want to respond I won't remember what it is.  
  
~Give yourself to me~  
  
~You are the key~  
  
I don't know much about a lot of things but I know I want to be around you it would make me happy, but it's probably an impossible wish.  
  
~You only see what your eyes want to see~  
  
~How can life be what you want it to be~  
  
~You're frozen when your heart's not open~  
  
~If I could melt your heart~  
  
~We'd never be apart~  
  
You can reach me at this address, but you won't be able to find out much about me through it, other than what I tell you, because it's under someone else's name and account. You aren't the only hacker of renown, and some are willing to 'hack' for profit. I found one to help me with this address for personal reasons. If you do decide you'd like to get to know me better feel free to write me, I'll answer promptly.  
  
~Give yourself to me~  
  
~You are the key~  
  
~If I could melt your heart~  
  
~We'd never be apart~  
  
I should end this letter now before I get confusing, the alcohol I consumed with Duo Maxwell is starting to affect me, and I'm starting to get tired. To close. I don't know what to say that I haven't already said.  
  
~Give yourself to me~  
  
~You are the key~  
  
~If I could melt your heart~  
  
I'll conclude with what I started with; I think, no I know I love you Heero Yuy. Even if that isn't you true name it's the only name I know you by.  
  
I hope to hear from you.  
  
You're Admirer.  
  
I finish reading the letter, then start a check on the address, whoever wrote it was right it's untraceable, more precisely the computer it was sent from is a public use computer, and the account is under the name of a woman who records show died one hundred years ago. Now I'm curious, who could have sent it? Obviously it was someone who at least knew Duo, he didn't drink with total strangers, at least not since the night he woke up in drag with a contract to perform in a drag show for two months. Perhaps it was a friend of Hilde's. I start mailing Dorothy, Hilde, and Relena, after checking the time, they should respond fairly quickly, I'm going to have to make a list of possibilities. While I wait for answers from those I've sent mail to, I review the security footage of Preventer headquarters for while I was gone.  
  
So Duo is confirmed as the snack thief, I'll send a note to him that I know. Trowa received ten e-mails each day from Catherine, which ended the day before he sent the memo. Quatre really ought to have a conversation with the Maganauc Corps, he doesn't need to be shadowed in Preventer HQ, I can understand the need outside but inside is perfectly safe, I've seen to that. I find it interesting that WuFei uses his computer to write to his dead wife as if she's alive, I make a mental note to talk to him about that, it indicates he's in denial.  
  
And there are the responses I start with Relena's since it came back first, she doesn't know of anyone; besides Hilde, Dorothy, the other pilots, and possibly on the odd chance her brother, Noin, and myself; who would go drinking with Duo. Dorothy thinks it's an interesting idea to go drinking with Duo, but can't think of anyone, she also wanted to confirm that we were still on for the paintball battle. Smirking I respond before reading Hilde's letter. Hm. it seems about the same time my letter was sent Duo spoke with Hilde, something about Maxwell church, an angel, and then getting drunk.. That doesn't help much. However Duo described the angel as petite, and unusual in appearance, 'she had exotic eyes like you'd see on women in the old pictures of Hawaiian Hula dancers, but with hair the color of copper, honey and molasses mixed' to which Hilde says she responded with 'go to sleep you've drunk too much'. She also states that as vague as it is she hopes it helps. I write her back agreeing that Duo was too drunk, and thanking her for her assistance.  
  
I'm again grateful that she's better at keeping secrets than Duo, I dread imagining how he and the others would react if they knew that Hilde, Dorothy and Relena all had something in common, and that I was what they had in common. I counted them as not only friends, but as my closest friends; even closer than my fellow ex-pilots; and that the three of them were also ex-girlfriends. I've been tempted to tell Duo that just to shut him up but it would do no good. And now I'm stuck with an admirer who has best been described as 'an angel with molasses-honey-copper hair, and exotic, Hawaiian eyes' I'll have to make a plan on what to do, perhaps I will answer the letter.  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the fic and Heero's Admirer. 


	5. Amazing

Amazing- Part 5 in Madonna Series, Disclaimer: I own Nicole, nothing else, and no I'm not Nicole unless Trowa's real then I am. Some person I'll never meet owns Gundam Wing and a bunch of companies I can't remember the names to. Warning: This fic is the product of an entire Pecan Pie the day after Thanksgiving. Blame my muses if you don't like. The % thing is the beginning and end of flashbacks, there will be a space between the present text and the flashback text but no space between the flashback text and the %.  
  
  
  
The man known as Trowa Barton had just finished his last performance of the night and was helping to spot for another act, it was the only other acrobat/ trapeze act that the circus had. He stood stoically watching as the girl performed an intricate triple flip, double barrel roll landing lightly on the toes of one foot, then dropping from the trapeze bar only to catch it with one hand. To everyone watching he was the emotionless clown, watching and waiting for the young lady to slip up. By the end of the act the audience was breathless and astounded, once the performer reached the ground Trowa turned and left for his trailer hoping to avoid everyone. After changing and checking his e-mail he sat in silence. A few minutes later there was a loud commotion outside, he tried to ignore it until there's a frantic knocking at his door. Getting up he answered to find Catherine, and the acrobat from the last act, he raised his visible eye at Catherine. "What's going on Cathy?" Catherine sighed and pushed past him into the trailer dragging the girl, "Well while you were in here oblivious one of the elephants got spooked, ran, knocked over a tarp into a fire then the wind picked up again spreading the fire to the east trailers and before the fire could be contained they burned down completely. Luckily no one was hurt, but a little more than half the circus is trailer less so we're doubling and tripling up in some cases, and since I have the Monroes in my trailer with me Nicole is going to stay with you. Now I have to go check on the others since I'm part of the med team." She turned to Nicole, "If Trowa does anything call me." with that Catherine left. Trowa stood staring at the door then turned to look at his forced guest. She looked at him, "For the sake of conversation my name, incase you don't know, is Nicollette Jacqueline DeLouise, just call me Nicole and if you can tell me where I'll be sleeping I'll stay out of your way, and leave you alone."  
  
He stood not moving or blinking and it was hard to discern if he was even thinking. When she turned to head out the door he spoke up, "Give me a moment and I'll show you where you can sleep, just have a seat." With that he turned and walked to his room to clear out his belongings, which took less than one minute. Then he returned to the sitting/ living room with a duffle bag. Nicole looked up at him, "Are you leaving because of me, I wouldn't want to put you out." He raised a hand, "You aren't putting me out, there's only one bed in my trailer so I'll be sleeping out here on the couch so you can have your privacy." motioning to her bag he asked, "would you like me to carry that in for you?" Nicole shook her head and walked to the room and shut the door behind her, Trowa didn't see her for the rest of the night. The next morning when he awoke he waited to listen for her waking and heard nothing for over an hour, assuming she was still asleep he left the trailer, after placing a note on the door for her to see. It was to let her know he had left for breakfast and to feed the animals, and that he would be back to the trailer in about two hours.  
  
When he returned the note was still on the door thinking something might be wrong he knocked on the bedroom door, and got no answer. He knocked again, still nothing he slowly opened the door to find the bedroom empty. Trowa then turned and walked to Catherine's trailer he knocked and was let in by a child, "Hewo Twowa, Cafrine is in the kitchen sewing." Trowa patted the little boy on the head as he walked by, when he got to the kitchen he saw not only Catherine and Mrs. Monroe, but Nicole as well, "When did you leave the trailer?" he asked without greeting anyone. The three ladies looked up at him, Nicole blinked, "I left before you woke up, I would have let you know but I didn't want to disturb you while you were sleeping." He stood with no expression on his face, "You snuck out?" Nicole frowned at the accusation, "Even if I did, which I didn't, does it matter?" Trowa remained motionless, "When I didn't hear you wake up this morning I assumed you were still asleep, then when I returned just now you didn't answer. I had thought something may have happened to you." Catherine smiled, "Trowa were you worried about Nicole?" He nodded, "She was placed in my trailer, therefore she's in my care, should something happen to her it would be my fault."  
  
Nicole continued frowning, "If something happens to me it's through my own fault, and you have no obligation to be concerned for my well-being. Though in future for your peace of mind I'll leave a note to let you know when I leave the trailer before you." Trowa nodded and went to the tent to practice his act. He didn't see Nicole again until she returned to go to sleep. The next morning he awoke to find a piece of paper taped to his computer, reading it he saw one word "Gone". Nicole had kept her word in a manner that reminded him of Heero Yuy. The next two weeks went by in much the same way, with some minor differences. When he returned to his trailer after feeding the animals each night he found his trailer to be a little different, first was the vase with flowers on the table, then there were the sky blue curtains. The latest thing was the change in his furniture, he had returned to find a couple of the guys helping Nicole move some furniture into the trailer, she hadn't moved anything out, but added to his Spartan collection, making his trailer look. homey.  
  
That night after she went to sleep he sent an email to Quatre.  
  
Quatre;  
  
Accident at the circus. Lost more than half the living trailers. Please send a donation so new trailers can be purchased. I will pay you back later.  
  
Trowa  
  
He expected Quatre would respond immediately, and would gladly send the donation but refuse repayment. Quatre must have been awake because before Trowa could shut down he received a response letter.  
  
Dear Trowa,  
  
Of course I'll send a donation. I hope no one was hurt. Are you all right? Is Miss Catherine? Please let me know if I can do anything else to help.  
  
Your friend,  
  
Quatre Raberba Winner  
  
Trowa decided to place a call through to Quatre, it was answered mid ring, Quatre smiled at Trowa, "Hello Trowa. I hope everything is all right." Trowa skipped the pleasantries, "Try to keep  
  
your voice down my 'guest' is sleeping." Quatre looked confused, "What guest Trowa?" Internally sighing Trowa answered, "Because so many trailers were destroyed those of us spared had to take on guests, and right now she's asleep." Quatre glanced behind Trowa, "When did you change your décor? And who is 'she'?" Trowa looked at the room from the corner of his eye, "She is Nicole, and I didn't change the décor she did. If something isn't done soon to get her out of my trailer I might do something drastic. She put up curtains." Quatre smiled half sympathetic, half amused, "I'm sorry Trowa, I'll send the money right away. Though it may not get there until tomorrow at the soonest." Trowa nodded then turned to look away from the screen, "I'll have to let you go for now Quatre. I'll talk to you later." Nodding in understanding, "I understand Trowa. Call me later, and please give Miss Catherine my regards." Then he disconnected, Trowa turned back to the computer to shut it down, then faced the sight that had prompted him to end his call. Standing in the bedroom door in a robe, was Nicole, "I'm sorry I've caused you any inconvenience. As soon as I get my new trailer I'll be sure to remove all items I've brought into your trailer." With that she turned to go back to bed. True to his word Quatre had the money needed delivered two days later, and three silent days later Nicole was moving back out of Trowa's trailer. By evening his trailer was restored and he was left alone. Something was wrong in the sitting/ living room, he looked the room over and found what was wrong, there next to his computer was a picture. he recalled the first time it appeared there.  
  
  
  
%  
  
~You took a pretty picture~  
  
~And you smashed into bits~  
  
He returned to the trailer one Thursday to find Nicole looking upset, and staring at the picture sitting by his computer. She looked up at him when he entered, "It doesn't look right, I'm sorry." Trowa was confused but remained expressionless, "What doesn't look right?" She pointed at the picture looking at it he saw what she meant, the frame was the same but the picture was different, "I'm sorry while I was dusting I knocked it over and the glass broke and scratched up the picture pretty bad. Since it was a picture of Catherine I took another one of her and replaced the glass, but it doesn't look right." Trowa looked at her, she seemed genuinely upset about it, she continued, "I thinks it's her smile, it's different. I didn't want to upset you. I'm truly sorry I ruined the other picture." she stopped at the look he gave her.  
  
~Sank me into blackness~  
  
~And you sealed it with a kiss~  
  
"You tried to replace it?" she nodded slowly, "Then I accept your apology. It was an accident, and you tried to make amends." She slowly smiled then jumped up and suddenly kissed him. When she pulled away blushing she apologized, "I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that, but I'm glad you aren't angry at me. I really should get going I promised Errol I'd help him with his costume." she turned to leave.  
  
~If only I could let you go~  
  
~Why do I need you so~  
  
His hand lingered on hers for a brief moment before she left.%  
  
That was before she overheard the conversation with Quatre, Trowa sat staring at the picture through most of the night, at about midnight he glanced at the clock then started thinking. *Why am I staring at it like this? I haven't been thinking about Cathy like I normally do when I look at her picture.* He looked around the room, *It seems. empty* He thought back to his conversation with Catherine over lunch.  
  
%  
  
"So will you miss Nicole once she's moved back into her trailer?" he looked at her blankly, "Why would I miss her? She isn't exactly a friend of mine besides she rearranged my living quarters." Catherine raised her eye, "So you're saying you won't miss her at all?" Trowa was beginning to feel a bit annoyed but refused to take it out on his sister, "What do you mean Cathy? She isn't leaving the circus." Catherine nodded and smiled.%  
  
*I don't miss her. or do I?* he walked to his room and lay down on the bed closing his eyes. *Damn, I can still smell her shampoo... How do I even know what it smells like?* he remembered standing close to her and catching the smell the first time, knowing it was her shampoo because she left the bottle in the bathroom, Fresia. He got up and went to his computer then began typing a letter.  
  
Quatre,  
  
Thank you for the donation. The new trailers are fine. Everyone has moved into them, and is happy. I'm sorry that's not true. Cathy is fine, but I may not be. Before you panic it's nothing serious, I'm just not feeling 'well'.  
  
Trowa  
  
He stared at what he had typed then deleted the letter, and started a new one.  
  
Duo,  
  
Looking at the name he typed he deleted it and thought for a moment.  
  
Lady Une,  
  
I regret not writing sooner but as Preventer matters go I've had no real interest and have been busy with the circus. We will be in Brussels within the next month. I wish to ask you something on a personal level if I may. Please don't call I don't think I could speak the words to what I need to. If you can spare the time please e-mail me as soon as possible.  
  
Trowa  
  
He scanned the letter, then not really wanting to he hit the send key, and sat waiting to see if he would get a reply that night. Not five minutes later he got his reply.  
  
~It's amazing what a boy can do~  
  
~I cannot stop myself~  
  
Trowa,  
  
I'm surprised and honored that you would write to me and not someone else, surprised because it means it's a serious matter, and honored because you felt you could talk to me about it. Mariemaia will be looking forward to your arrival, you and Miss Bloom are welcome to stay with us if you can and would like, I would like greatly if you could at least join us for dinner one night. We can arrange something later, for now let us deal with the matter at hand. If I can help you with something just ask.  
  
Lady Une  
  
Trowa quickly responded before he could decide against it,  
  
Lady Une,  
  
As you know I'm not the best with emotions, but I suddenly find myself feeling some unfamiliar ones. Specifically I find myself missing someone I had no interest in until they left. I am at a loss as to what to do.  
  
Trowa  
  
After sending that letter he found himself thinking of the first time he saw Nicole smile, his thoughts were interrupted by the beep of an arriving message.  
  
~Wish I didn't want you like I do~  
  
~Want you and no one else~  
  
Trowa,  
  
I can't be sure without the facts but if I am correct, I would say you are in love. I assume this has been happening most recently? Can you describe the feelings you are having? And what is this person like? Your answers to these questions will either confirm or deny my assumptions.  
  
Lady Une  
  
Trowa stared at the screen, the first two questions he could answer easily, then he began typing  
  
Lady Une,  
  
Yes, it started this week, most specifically today. As I said before I have found myself missing someone I thought I was grateful to see leave.  
  
He stopped typing as he read the third question again, *What is she like? How can I describe what she's like?* He continued the letter to Lady Une as best he could.  
  
The person I mentioned is female approximately five foot four inches tall with red-blonde hair, hazel eyes, she is approximately eighteen years old.  
  
Trowa  
  
The response was immediate,  
  
Trowa,  
  
I didn't mean describe her, although she sounds lovely, I meant what in your opinion makes her stand out? It might also help for me to know how you met her?  
  
Lady Une  
  
Lady Une,  
  
I haven't the words to say what makes her stand out. She is a member of the Circus troupe, although I hadn't paid any attention to her until she had to move into my trailer for a couple of weeks. Today she finished moving out and I found myself missing her, though I can't understand why. In the time she was here we didn't see each other or speak to each other, save for a few sentences total.  
  
Trowa  
  
Trowa,  
  
I don't know what else to tell you besides that I do think you are in love. I am always willing to listen if you need. For now I must excuse myself I have a meeting with the president in the morning and must go over my notes. If you wish to write another letter to me I will answer it most likely tomorrow.  
  
Lady Une  
  
Lady Une,  
  
I understand, I hope your meeting goes well, and thank you for your time and patience.  
  
Trowa  
  
Trowa sighed as he shut down his computer, *How can I be in love?* he walked out into the warm night, unlike the colonies summer nights on Earth were very warm. He began wandering around the grounds, some performers including Cathy were sitting in the mess tent chatting and playing group games like cards and charades, Trowa smiled as Catherine tried to mime anteater. She noticed him and her eyes asked if he'd join in. Trowa shook his head; group activities like this weren't for him. He continued wandering the grounds, they were lucky to set up near a small lake, and soon he found himself there watching someone swimming. It was her.  
  
~You took a poison arrow~  
  
~And you aimed it at my heart~  
  
~It's heavy and it's bitter~  
  
~And it's tearing me apart~  
  
The longer he stood watching the more graceful she appeared, it was as if she had spent her life in the water, like her performances. Trowa had noted that in her performances she moved with the fluidity of a bird, no an angel. Trowa blinked *Where did that thought come from?* He came back from his thoughts when he realized she was standing in front of him. "How long have you been watching me?" she asked nervously, brushing some of her hair behind her ear. *Why do I have the sudden desire to kiss her?* aloud he answered, "Not long, I only just got here. Did you enjoy your swim?" She turned to look away but not before Trowa noticed her blush, "It was okay, the water was a little cool." she trailed off and shivered. Without thinking Trowa started to rub her arms, "You should dry off quickly before you catch cold." She looked up into his eyes, "Trowa, I." Nicole never finished that sentence. "Nicole?" she looked him in the eye, "Yes?" he brushed the hair that had fallen free back, "Would you join me for dinner tomorrow?" Trowa was worried; she appeared to be in shock, could she be suffering hypothermia? "All right." she started to leave, but stopped when he didn't let go of her arm. She looked at him, *her eyes are captivating.* after a few moments he let her go.  
  
~If only I could set you free~  
  
~You worked your way inside of me~  
  
~It's amazing what a boy can say~  
  
~I cannot stop myself~  
  
Trowa remained by the lake thinking, *Perhaps Lady Une is right. if she is how do I tell Cathy, let alone Nicole?*  
  
~Seems I love you more than yesterday~  
  
~Love you and no one else~  
  
Once the moon had set Trowa headed back to his trailer, and encountered Catherine, "Trowa where have you been? I was getting worried. You shouldn't just wander around. What if you had gotten hurt?" Trowa smiled at his sister's rambling, "And what, Trowa Barton is so amusing?" Catherine was a born mother, "Sorry Cathy, I just wanted some time to think." She smiled and looped her arm through his walking into his trailer, "Care to share what about?" He smiled back, in his way, "You wouldn't believe me."  
  
~Ooh it's amazing~  
  
Catherine stayed with Trowa for a few hours in that time he fought to find a way to tell her what he 'might' be feeling.  
  
~It's amazing what a boy can do~  
  
~I cannot stop myself~  
  
They were lucky to have the next day off for Trowa and Catherine stayed up through the remainder of the night, "Cathy? Can I ask you something?" She smiled eyes twinkling with humor, "You just did but go ahead." Trowa remained silent for a few minutes more, "Trowa for heavens sake if you don't say something I'm going to bed!" As she moved to get up and leave he grabbed her arm lightly and looked her in the eye, "Cathy I think I'm in love." Catherine sank back into her chair as he continued, "I don't know for sure. I'm going to have dinner with her tomorrow night. I hope to figure this out by then." Catherine was looking at the table, she forced herself to smile as she looked at him, "Well if you want to make a good impression little brother I suggest you take her somewhere nice. We're going to be traveling tomorrow, from late morning through mid afternoon. The manager stepped up the schedule so we'll be in Brussels tomorrow evening, the town we were going to perform at is in the middle of a political conference." Catherine then helped Trowa plan his 'date'.  
  
~Wish I didn't want you like I do~  
  
~Want you and no one else~  
  
Trowa sat in his trailer typing letters to his friends and the Preventers, he looked at the date, *Has it really been six months?* there was a knock on his door. Saving what he had he answered and smiled as he was engulfed in a hug, "Hello, Siren." He hugged Nicole back then leaned and kissed his fiancée.  
  
~It's amazing what a boy can say~  
  
~I cannot stop myself~  
  
Six months ago was that first dinner date, one month ago he proposed, Nicole had been hesitant to accept.  
  
%  
  
~Seems I love you more than yesterday~  
  
~Love you and no one else~  
  
Trowa was trying not to be nervous, but as well as he hid it he was. He had been 'seeing' Nicole for about five months and he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life as her husband. The others had met her and for the most part liked her well enough, although since their first meeting Nicole seemed uncomfortable around Duo. *I really wish I could remember what happened that night, but since we were all drunk..* he shook his head, as stupid as it was for everyone to agree to go to Duo's party and drink, that was the past. His present was approaching; he smiled as he saw Nicole walk toward him. They had agreed to have a quiet dinner in his trailer, and though it was casual, he thought she looked stunning. The meal was a simple fare, and after he cleared their plates, he cleared his throat, "Nicole.?" She smiled at him and tilted her head, he was lost for words so he pulled the small box out of his pocket. He heard her gasp when he opened it, he was grateful Quatre had gone with him to buy the ring. He looked up at her, then drew her into a hug, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I'll understand if you don't want to accept." he broke off as she shook her head. She spoke through her tears, "It's not that Trowa. it's. I have to tell you something, please don't say anything until I'm done, but if when I'm done telling you what I need to you still wish to marry me I'll give you my answer."%  
  
  
  
That was one month in the past, she looked up into his eyes frowning, "Trowa can we elope?" He chuckled, "You know everyone would kill us." She sighed and leaned against him, "I know but between Miss Darlian, Miss Catalonia, and Miss Schbeiker, it would be less stressful if we eloped."  
  
~Ooh it's amazing~  
  
He silenced her protests, "You know we have to have our friends at the wedding. Do you want to help me finish the invitations?"  
  
~I cannot stop myself~  
  
She smiled, "And how many are we up to now?"  
  
~Wish I didn't~  
  
He sighed internally, "With the Preventers, the Maganaucs, Quatre's sisters, and the Circus. close to five hundred." Nicole groaned and leaned against him.  
  
~Love you and no one else~  
  
She looked him in the eye, "It's a good thing you're worth all this." Smiling he leaned to kiss her.  
  
There was only one person not happy about Trowa getting married, and she stood watching the couple with hurt in her eyes. 


	6. Bad Girl

Bad Girl- Part 6 in Madonna series. Disclaimer: First of all I would like to say that this is here to depress me because it reminds me that I'm not the genius who created Gundam Wing or wrote the song. It also depresses me because I can't remember the name of the creator of Gundam Wing, so I feel stupid, I do know the song is owned by Madonna and Companies other than that.  
  
Author's note: I have no clue about this timeline and it's driving me insane. The % still denotes a flashback. I forgot to say this in the other songfics but I have edited some of the lyrics for length, which means I cut some lyrics out because the fic would either be too long or I couldn't think of something to fill the gaps. Now I have to say thank you to Altheia, without who's help I wouldn't have even started this chapter.. Thank you Theia-san ::bows on the floor::  
  
1.1.1  
  
1.1.2 Hilde Schbeiker wondered how she of all people got talked into this one. but there she was taking several women out for a bachelorette party. Of course Duo had given her the face and had told Quatre that she was going to do it, so somehow she ended up doing it. The fact that she only knew three of the women in the group didn't help. So there Hilde was sitting in a corner of a nightclub, drinking with: several Preventer women, a few circus ladies including the bride-to-be, Relena Darlian, Dorothy Catalonia and Lady Une. She was shortly joined by one of the Preventers. Hilde nodded in greeting, as she was joined and her guest started a conversation, "It was nice of you to do this Miss Hilde." Hilde chuckled as she responded, "I actually didn't get much of a choice, and just call me Hilde.I'm sorry we haven't really been introduced." The Preventer held her hand out, "Call me Nemesis, it's the only name anyone, except Lady Une, knows me by." Hilde shook her hand then hearing a squeal they both turned in time to see Relena being pulled onto the stage by one of the male dancers. Hilde shook her head, "Now I'm really grateful that I rented this place out for the night." Nemesis chuckled, "I'm sure the Vice Foreign Minister will be grateful for that fact as well. And as much as she resisted, I think Miss DeLouise is enjoying this." Hilde looked over to where Dorothy and Nicole were laughing and pointing at Relena, who was desperately trying to remain dignified as the man 'danced' with her. Hilde found herself smiling at the sight. "Hilde?" she brought her attention back to the Preventer sitting with her, "I'm sorry Nemesis what did you say?" Nemesis shook her head, "It's okay I just wanted to know if I could ask you something personal?" A bit surprised Hilde nodded for her to continue, "I was wondering why you and Heero Yuy broke up." That threw Hilde for a loop, she steadied herself, both physically and mentally, before answering. "First of all who told you about that?!?" Nemesis was taken aback by the force of the question, "Miss Dorothy told me that you had once 'dated' Heero Yuy. I'm sorry if it's a tender subject I was just curious." Hilde shook her head, "I'll have to remember to kill Dorothy later, It's actually not a 'tender' subject. As for what happened, well it started about a month after he and Relena broke up, that was when he first asked me out. I didn't have anyone specifically at the time so I thought 'why not?', but two weeks into the relationship we started having problems."  
  
1.1.3  
  
1.1.4 %  
  
1.1.5 ~Something's missing and I don't know why~  
  
~I always feel the need to hide my feelings from you~  
  
Here I am in another nightclub without him, I can't help but think that I'm trying to hide from him or something. Not that it would work if I were, nope you can't hide from 'the Perfect Soldier'. I start berating myself at that thought, that was during the war and he didn't ask for that title unlike Duo.  
  
1.1.6 ~Is it me or you that I'm afraid of~  
  
1.1.7 Then I shiver at the thought of the look he would give if he heard me call him that, but it doesn't matter anymore what his nicknames are, the point is that Heero Yuy is my boyfriend, and here I am again betraying him.  
  
~I tell myself I'll show you what I'm made of~  
  
~Can't bring myself to let you go~  
  
1.1.8 I could break up with him, and tell him the truth, but I can't seem to get up enough courage to do that. I, Hilde Schbeiker, can't find enough courage to tell a guy that I'm not in love with him and that I want out of the relationship.  
  
1.1.9  
  
~I don't want to cause you any pain~  
  
~But I love you just the same~  
  
~And you'll always be my baby~  
  
1.1.10 Part of me knows that I only started dating him for the thrill, I mean come on how many girls can say they dated Heero Yuy? So far only Relena Darlian and myself, and Heero's sweet. at least in private, in public good luck even getting him to hold your hand and that's the kind of relationship I'm looking for. I want a guy who isn't afraid to show the world he loves me. So how am I going to tell Heero without hurting him?  
  
~In my heart I know we've come apart~  
  
~And I don't know where to start~  
  
~What can I do, I don't wanna feel blue~  
  
1.1.11 At first things were wonderful, I would get to see him smile and occasionally he would even laugh. and even though it made me happy to see that side of him it's become like seeing a best friend happy instead of a lover. If I tell him it's over it'll probably hurt him more than he'll show and I couldn't live with that. So I come to all these clubs and bars..  
  
1.1.12  
  
~Bad girl drunk by six~  
  
~Kissing someone else's lips~  
  
~Smoked too many cigarettes today~  
  
~I'm not happy when I act this way~  
  
1.1.13 I check the time, 5:20 pm he's still at the Preventer's Headquarters, he never leaves there until 7 pm at the earliest unless it's a holiday or Lady Une kicks him out. I clear my thoughts as another guy strikes up a conversation. I know the look in his eyes, he wants nothing more than a single night. but who knows I might just give it to him.  
  
1.1.14  
  
~Bad girl drunk by six~  
  
~Kissing some kind stranger's lips~  
  
~Smoked too many cigarettes today~  
  
~I'm not happy, I'm not happy~  
  
1.1.15 The guy, I think he said his name was Carl, escorted me to a table toward the back of the club, and we've started officially 'making out', but as suddenly as I started I stop and leave him bewildered. I can't do it, the drunken side of my mind argues it would give Heero reason to leave me, but my conscience won't hurt him like that. I'm stuck being upset either way..  
  
1.1.16  
  
~Something's happened and I can't go back~  
  
~I fall apart every time you hand your heart out to me~  
  
At 7:15 I start back to my apartment hoping Heero will be working late but knowing he's waiting for me. Sure enough when I opened the door there he was with a simple take-out dinner ready. This seems to be our new routine, doesn't that suck? We're in such a rut that he's used to my going out every night after work. And every night it's the same thing, but it still hurts to hear and see. It's starts after I wash up, trying to get some of the smoke off me, then I return to the kitchen area, we start to eat in silence occasionally asking questions, like 'how was work' or 'could you pass the salt'. Otherwise it's silent, then we clean up dinner and go to the living room to watch the news. After the news he gets ready to leave or we go to the bedroom. The last thing he says to me every night regardless is 'Hilde, suki da'. My mind crumbles when he says that to me.  
  
1.1.17 ~What happens now, I know I don't deserve you~  
  
~I wonder how I'm ever gonna hurt you~  
  
~Can't bring myself to let you go~  
  
1.1.18 But I can't continue like this, it has to end somehow. And since I won't hurt him I'll have to do something to hurt myself. but I still want him in my life...  
  
  
  
~I don't want to cause you any pain~  
  
~But I love you just the same~  
  
~And you'll always be my baby~  
  
1.1.19 It's been another week, and things are just getting worse, I've taken to visiting friends at night so I don't have to see Heero, and sensing that I'm avoiding him he's taken to working odd hours. Duo called me this morning before work to ask what was wrong, I hated lying to him but I couldn't tell him what was wrong without telling him that Heero and I have been dating for almost three weeks. All day he kept giving me odd looks when I said that there was nothing wrong. Finally to get Duo to leave me alone I told him I was PMSing, yeah I know, real mature, but it worked and he even bought me lunch. I spent lunch trying to figure out who I could talk to about this; Duo obviously was out. There's Heero's other 'friends', then I strike each one for their own reasons, Trowa Barton doesn't strike me as the type to talk about relationships, Chang WuFei would probably start by insulting me for being weak enough to need help; I only met him the one time. Then there's Quatre Winner, I almost laughed aloud at the thought of me a soldier-turned junk dealer talking to Quatre Raberba Winner about relationships.  
  
~In my heart I know we've come apart~  
  
~And I don't know where to start~  
  
~What can I do, I don't wanna feel blue~  
  
1.1.20 That leaves my friends, but that still causes a problem my only friends are Duo, Heero and. that was it. I could call Relena after work, I'm grateful that she also considers me a friend, she makes it a point to talk to me when I call, or call the moment she has time. So before I went back to work I called her and left the message for her to call me anytime after five.  
  
1.1.21  
  
1.1.22 ~Bad girl drunk by six~  
  
~Kissing someone else's lips~  
  
~Smoked too many cigarettes today~  
  
~I'm not happy when I act this way~  
  
1.1.23 By the time Relena returned my call it was 6:30, I took the precaution of calling Heero and telling him I wasn't feeling up to any company today, I know that was lamer than the PMS thing. So when Relena called I was on edge and actually smoking cigarettes, with no clue of what to do.  
  
1.1.24  
  
1.1.25 ~Bad girl drunk by six~  
  
~Kissing someone else's lips~  
  
~Smoked too many cigarettes today~  
  
~I'm not happy when I act this way ~  
  
1.1.26 The vid phone chirped and I answered when I saw that it was Relena's current number, she stared at me in silence for three whole seconds before yelling, "Hilde! What are you doing?!?!!?" I rolled my eyes, "What's it look like Relena?" She frowned, "It looks like you're smoking, I want to know why??" Sighing I put out the cigarette and explained the whole situation to her.  
  
1.1.27  
  
1.1.28 ~Bad girl drunk by six~  
  
~Kissing some kind stranger's lips~  
  
~Smoked too many cigarettes today~  
  
~I'm not happy, I'm not happy~  
  
1.1.29 When I finished, I don't know what I expected but her reaction wasn't it. Relena Darlian-Peacecraft started laughing. "Gee thanks Lena, I'll remember this.." I move to shut off the phone but she talks before I can, "I'm sorry Hilde but you won't believe the call I had this morning." I sighed, "Try me." Relena smiled, "It was from Heero, and he asked how to break up with someone without hurting them." at that I fell over. "Hilde??? Are you all right??!!?" I got up off the floor, "Relena if you're joking." I said threateningly. She shook her head, "I'm serious. Go ahead and call him. Just tell him how you feel, you'll be surprised." With that she hung up on me. After twenty minutes of staring at the screen it chirped again, this time it was Heero. Which meant that Relena called him. Summoning my courage I answered.  
  
1.1.30 %  
  
Hilde sighed again, "Relena had told him to call me, that it was important. I still owe her for that. So he and I talked and realized we were better friends than lovers. So here I am single again."  
  
~Bad girl drunk by six~  
  
Hilde emptied another glass, "Nemesis, can I ask why you wanted to know?" Nemesis looked down into her glass, "It may sound weird but I've fallen in love with him. Don't get too excited, I don't think he even knows I'm alive let alone who I am. I talked to Duo a while ago." Hilde choked on her new drink and stared, "That was you?? And here I thought Duo was just wasted drunk."  
  
~Kissing some kind someone else's lips~  
  
~Smoked too many cigarettes today~  
  
Hilde shook her head and light a cigarette Nemesis raised an eye as Hilde shook her head again, "I am trying to quit in fact, I'm down to at most one cigarette a day. except when I'm extremely stressed." Chuckling Nemesis replied, "And carrying out a bachelorette party, while being single yourself is not only stressful but depressing." The two chuckled weakly before looking regretfully into their drinks...  
  
~I'm not happy~  
  
"Hey Hilde, even if nothing happens thanks for your help." Nemesis finished her drink then got up and walked away. Hilde was distracted as Dorothy fell onto her with Relena in tow, so she never saw Nemesis leave. After sorting themselves out, Hilde looked at her half finished cigarette...  
  
~ I'm not happy~  
  
she reached over and snuffed it out, then made a note to stick with soda for the rest of the night. She smiled as she thought of how to get Lady Une to deliver a thank you note to Nemesis for her.  
  
~This way~ 


	7. Nobody's Perfect

Nobody's Perfect - Part 7 in series. Disclaimer: I hope everyone realizes that I am not a famous person so I didn't create or write anything except the fics by me. This fic is Lemony fresh. The @ indicates an author's note which will be explained at the end.  
  
  
  
The man with many identities sat reading over the latest report from earth on the Terra-forming project when his partner came in, waving an odd paper. "Zechs, you won't believe it!" why he and Noin still used their old names was a mystery to everyone. He raised an eye as she continued "You won't believe this one!!" she came to stop in front of him. "Noin if that is another tabloid saying that Treize is back from the dead and claims Relena is his child……" he broke off as she shook her head and smiled almost idiotically. He sighed in defeat and put away the report, "What is it Noin?" Still smiling she turned the paper to face him, "It is a wedding invitation.." He blinked before snatching it from her, "If Relena is marrying that lunatic……" Noin rolled her eyes, men were so childish, "No, the wedding is Trowa's, according to Quatre it's someone he mat in the circus." She sighed and Zechs Merquise felt his heart stop, he knew that sigh. As she continued talking it was confirmed, "It must be nice to just plan a wedding, although from what I hear it's harder than the Terra- forming…" She was watching him out of the corner of her eye, and he was hard pressed to not react. "I wouldn't know. So I assume we're going? Or would you prefer just sending a gift and 'congratulations'?" Noin sighed then rolled her eyes, "Of course we're going we have one week to get there, and I've already made the arrangements with Une and Quatre." She left him no room to argue before continuing again, "And from what I hear Heero will be there so I want you to promise to behave." He hated when Noin used that tone, at least outside of the bedroom… "Fine Noin, I promise to refrain from killing Heero Yuy…" he lowered his voice to a bare whisper, "at least in public." Thankfully Noin never heard the comments he made under his breath, and if she did she ignored them. "Good, now I'm going to call Relena and see about attire, she may want you to wear your Sanc Uniform…" her voice trailed off as she walked away.  
  
~Cool I am~  
  
~When I am with you~  
  
~Cool I'm not~  
  
~When I am lonely~  
  
*My dear Lucrezia, I know what your heart craves.* he got up and walked to the window of his 'office' and stared out at the vast landscape of Mars. *I can't do it Noin I can't make you a wife…*  
  
~I feel so sad~  
  
~What I did wasn't right~  
  
He walked back to his desk and pulled out a bottle of Wild Turkey@, then opening it started drinking. *I brought you to this godforsaken planet knowing what you wanted and knowing I was too cowardly for it.*  
  
~I feel so bad~  
  
~And I must say to you~  
  
*I know that you know about my drinking, how many times have you found me passed out? But I can't help it my cowardice shames me to the point of drinking… Zia…* He lapsed into his private nickname for her, the one she only heard few times.  
  
~Sorry, but~  
  
~Nobody's perfect~  
  
~Nobody's perfect~  
  
~What did you expect~  
  
~I'm doing my best~  
  
Zechs reached into his coat pocket, *I do love you, I even have the ring. It would look stunning on you… I don't know how you can be so patient with me.* he takes another drink…  
  
~I feel so sad~  
  
~But you know I'll be true~  
  
*I don't think anyone loves another as much I love you.*  
  
~I feel so bad~  
  
~And I must say to you~  
  
*So why can't I find the words to tell you that?*  
  
~Sorry, but~  
  
~Nobody's perfect~  
  
~Nobody's perfect~  
  
~What did you expect~  
  
~I'm doing my best~  
  
*How could you be so supportive to me? Even when I was at my worst you came to me. I know you left the Gundam Pilots to be by my side, later you came to take me to Earth… Why? Noin you deserve someone who will give you what you want…*  
  
~Nobody's perfect~  
  
~Nobody's perfect~  
  
~I was dishonest~  
  
~I will do my best~  
  
~Yeah~  
  
He emptied one quarter of the bottle in one gulp, "I know you have countless admirers, you always have, even back at the academy. Did you know that? Half the cadets couldn't understand why you chose to join. Then you became a member of the Specials…" He didn't get an answer not that he expected one. Now the bottle was now half empty. His thoughts wandered to the days in the academy… he recalled some of his 'comrades' who were now dead, and the fights that occurred sometimes after some of the more trying days when stress was high. One fight was about Noin…someone had made a crude comment about her, and Zechs had felt the need to defend her since she wasn't present to defend herself.  
  
~Cool I am~  
  
~When I am with you~  
  
~Cool I'm not~  
  
~When I am lonely~  
  
Without warning he threw the quarter full bottle at the wall and sank into a chair as it shattered, placing the ring back in his pocket as he did. He expected she would be coming back in any moment, considering the wall he hit was the wall to her 'office'…and she wouldn't make any sound entering.  
  
~Nobody's perfect~  
  
~Nobody's perfect~  
  
~What did you expect~  
  
~I'm doing my best~  
  
"Noin I'm sorry…" She walked up to him and kneeled next to his chair, "It's okay Zechs, we'll get that cleaned up, and you aren't hurt." He shook his head, I don't mean that, Noin…I…"  
  
~Nobody's perfect~  
  
She placed a hand over his mouth, "I understand Milliardo.."  
  
~Nobody's perfect~  
  
~I was dishonest~  
  
Gently he removed her hand and kissed her palm, "There's so much I haven't said to you… so much I've hidden and lied about…" Noin brushed some of his hair back, "Zechs, you don't have to say anything…" He took both her hands in his, "I want to… but I can't…" She smiled at him before leaning to kiss him lightly, "When you're ready you will." She then got up to leave.  
  
~I will do my best~  
  
Zechs watched her knowing she was going for a broom or something, "Thank you." She paused only slightly as an acknowledgement then continued out.  
  
~Yeah~  
  
*I love you Lucrezia Noin…*  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's note: ;_; I'm soooooooooooooooo Happy!! No I'm not on drugs, I'm just glad I finished this dumb fic, I mean I have 8 and 9 done but I couldn't post them without this one first… ::glances over the fic:: By the Muses! I think this is the lamest fic I've ever written… wait no the Star Wars/Sailormoon fic was worse. Anyway you 're reading this to find out about the Wild Turkey reference, well if you haven't seen the pic…… ::drools:: you need to, go to a Zechs shrine they should have it. 


	8. Take a Bow

Take A Bow- Part 8 in series. Disclaimer: Song by Madonna, Fic by Me, characters by…. I forget but they aren't mine except one but that character is only mentioned in this fic.. I have to say that this series is my first attempt at songfics, I have no clue if I'm getting better or worse. Please let me know. ~these are the lyrics~  
  
~Take a bow, the night is over~  
  
It's hard to believe how long it's been since I first met you  
  
~This masquerade is getting older~  
  
I still see you as that quiet fifteen year old who came to the circus for a job  
  
~Light are low, the curtains down~  
  
I still like checking on you after each performance, I can't help it you're all I have  
  
~There's no one here~  
  
But now you're leaving me alone  
  
~[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]~  
  
I'm standing here surrounded by the circus troupe and your friends and I feel so alone  
  
~Say your lines but do you feel them~  
  
In the back of my mind I can hear you speaking but I can't make myself listen as you say the words that will take you from me forever, do you really love this person?  
  
~Do you mean what you say when there's no one around [no one around]~  
  
I remember what you said before we came here, you told me you'd always be there for me but I know you can't be  
  
~Watching you, watching me, one lonely star~  
  
You look at me out of the corner of your eye as I watch you; it's hard to tell which of us is lonelier but you've found a solution to your loneliness  
  
~[One lonely star you don't know who you are]~  
  
Who am I supposed to be? I'm so used to being your big sister, almost your mother, but now…  
  
~I've always been in love with you [always with you]~  
  
I can feel my tears falling, I hope you think it's out of happiness that I cry  
  
~I guess you've always known it's true [you know it's true]~  
  
The truth is I can't stand this, you know I love you but you don't know how much I need you  
  
~You took my love for granted, why oh why~  
  
Now I'm losing you forever, I know you're not dying but to my heart you might as well be  
  
~The show is over, say good-bye~  
  
Last night was your last performance before you leave for your new life  
  
~Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye~  
  
I know you'll return to the circus but you won't be "my" Trowa  
  
~Make them laugh, it comes so easy~  
  
The ceremony's over and you're talking to one of your friends, I think his name is Duo  
  
~When you get to the part~  
  
I can see him laughing at something you said  
  
~Where you're breaking my heart [breaking my heart]~  
  
Does anyone know how much this hurts?  
  
~Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown~  
  
I can't help but see you in your mask; it's your symbol  
  
~[Just make 'em smile the whole world loves a clown]~  
  
You're joined by more of your friends, only two of them aren't smiling but from the way they move I can tell they're happy for you  
  
~Wish you well, I cannot stay~  
  
I quietly walk out to the garden, it was nice of your friend Quatre to let you use his estate for your reception  
  
~You deserve an award for the role that you played [role that you played]~  
  
I have to admit, as much I hated the war I was proud of how you helped to end it  
  
~No more masquerade, you're one lonely star~  
  
Back then you pretended to be someone you weren't, now you don't have to, you can be who you really are  
  
~[One lonely star and you don't know who you are]~  
  
But who are you really? And who does that make me?  
  
~Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye~  
  
I think about leaving and going back to my trailer to wait for the troupe to return but I can't, it would hurt you too much  
  
~All the world is a stage [world is a stage]~  
  
I walk to the door and watch from outside  
  
~And everyone has their part [has their part]~  
  
If anyone happens to look my way I smile and make it look like I just needed some air  
  
~But how was I to know which way the story'd go~  
  
If anyone had asked me a few months ago what I'd be doing tonight I wouldn't have been able to answer, at least not specifically  
  
~How was I to know you'd break~  
  
But I know if they had told me I'd be at your wedding I would have laughed and told them they were crazy  
  
~[You'd break, you'd break, you'd break]~  
  
Oh Trowa  
  
~You'd break my heart~  
  
Do you realize how you're leaving me alone?  
  
~I've always been in love with you~  
  
I can't stand watching you look so happy because of someone else  
  
~[I've always been in love with you]~  
  
I know it's selfish but I feel that I should be the only one to make you happy  
  
~Guess you've always known~  
  
You're my little brother, it's not that I see you as a replacement for Triton but there was a hole in my heart for so long and you filled it  
  
~You took my love for granted, why oh why~  
  
When you came into my life I had someone to care about besides myself, and I wasn't alone  
  
~The show is over, say good-bye~  
  
I walk back inside before you worry, I walk over to you and her, I can't bring myself to say her name in my own mind, I don't even know if I can say it out loud but I won't say anything to hurt you  
  
~Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye~  
  
I hug you tightly and shake her hand struggling to keep from hitting her, and in my most cheerful voice I can hear myself say "Congratulations Trowa, I can't wait for you two to come back." I look at her, "Take care of him, he can't quite remember to at times." I can hear everyone who heard me laugh at the joke I didn't realize I made.  
  
~Say good-bye~  
  
I hug you again then leave since it's late and my ride is waiting, I stop and look back one last time. Goodbye little brother I'll always love you. 


	9. You Must Love Me

You Must Love Me- Part 9 in series, Disclaimer: I still don't own Gundam Wing, but I'm hoping to somehow miraculously be named its new owner… oh sorry I started to daydream there. Anyway enjoy the fic. Warning this fic is neither Pro nor Anti-Relena but she is the main character.

Relena Peacecraft-Darlian walked into her hotel room and kicked off her shoes with as much dignity as, well as Duo Maxwell dancing. She shook her head, *I can't believe he got me to do the chicken dance, it was fun though.* She walked to the desk and pulled out a fire box, unlocking it she took out a small book, then laid on the bed in the style of a normal teenager writing in a diary…

Dear Diary,

I just got back from Trowa Barton's wedding, it wasn't a big media affair, but it was lovely. All the Preventers were there as part of their family. I'm glad that Nicole let Dorothy, Catherine, Hilde and I be involved in not only the ceremony, but in the planning. And despite our conflicting ideas, the five of us managed to make it a beautiful event. Duo acted in place of Nicole's father, and Quatre was Trowa's best man, I was surprised to see WuFei come willingly. Even Heero showed up, I was a little disappointed to see him escorting one of the female Preventers…

_**~Where do we go from here?~ **_

_**~This isn't where we intended to be~ **_

_**~We had it all, you believed in me~ **_

_**~I believed in you~ **_

I pulled Heero aside at the reception to talk; we talked about a lot of things. He told me he had been with Dorothy when she went to her family's graves, which she had told me about. He asked how I had been, I smiled and made a joke about the political arena and the warriors I've had to face. Before we got into deep conversation he excused himself and went to talk with Trowa, and the other pilots, or former pilots. It's not as hard as I thought to see him with someone else. I'm actually very happy, when I first met him he was so indifferent to the world it was wonderful to meet someone who didn't adore me because I was Relena Darlian. Then during the war I followed, not as someone who was obsessed, but I hoped to find out how he managed to be so indifferent and to learn it for myself. I always believed that Heero could do anything he wanted, whether it be building something, or saving the world.

_**~Certainties disappear~ **_

_**~What do we do for our dream to survive?~ **_

_**~How do we keep all our passions alive,~ **_

_**~As we used to do?~ **_

At first I thought I was in love with him, but as time went on I found that as much as I loved him, I wasn't in love with him. I found out how I really felt about him, I see him as a brother, not like Milliardo, but as a true brother. My goal to learn from Heero used to be the only reason I had to live, and for a while it seemed like he would lead me to find the strength to be like him, but things changed.

_**~Deep in my heart I'm concealing~ **_

_**~Things that I'm longing to say~ **_

_**~Scared to confess what I'm feeling~ **_

_**~Frightened you'll slip away~ **_

Things were strange back then and very trying, but you know that Diary, I wrote all about them in the little spare time I had. I sometimes think it's surreal that I'm Vice Foreign Minister, and that if I said the sky was chartreuse the public would agree out of sheer adoration of me.

_**~You must love me~ **_

_**~You must love me~ **_

Adoration… I still can't understand that. First when I went to St. Gabriel's then when I returned to Sanc, and culminating when I became Queen of the World Nation. It seemed that everyone around me adored me.

_**~Why are you at my side?~ **_

_**~How can I be any use to you now?~**_

_**~Give me a chance and I'll let you see how~ **_

_**~Nothing has changed~ **_

I wonder how many of the people I know actually see the real me? Perhaps I should run off and join the circus, but that wouldn't work. As much as I joke about the political scene being a circus I have no talents that would allow me to do that. I've always been jealous of those who have had the freedom to be just normal. I know it's a case of the grass being greener, but I can't help it.

_**~ You must love me~ **_

_**~You must love me~**_

I wonder now, as I have often, if I will find someone who will see past the images of: Queen Relena, Princess Peacecraft, and Vice-Foreign Minister Darlian. And will that person love just me for being me? I suppose I'll have to figure out who I am first. It would be nice if it were someone I already know but there isn't much chance of that. As you know my friends are limited to: Heero, Trowa, Dorothy, Quatre, Hilde, Duo, Noin, Catherine, Nicole, and sometimes WuFei.

If I were to see any of them as a potential 'romantic prospect' I would have to eliminate the females first of all, as dear to me as they are I just can't see them as more than friends. Next I would have to eliminate Heero, we tried that before and it didn't work. Then I'd have to eliminate Trowa, seeing the smile in his eyes today was reason enough; after that I'd have to eliminate Quatre: even though many thought we would be the 'perfect couple' we knew better we were too much alike, it was like we could have been siblings. That left Duo and WuFei.

I laugh just thinking that. Duo is everyone's friend and brother, to see him as more is something I can't do. As for WuFei… I admit he's handsome and I have caught myself wondering certain things about him that perhaps I shouldn't, but I always stop them by telling myself that it would never work because even though he shows me respect for my station he otherwise ignores my presence. Besides I think my attraction to him is shallow. I find him handsome and strong. The same traits that made me think I loved Heero.

I can't let myself go through that again. It was difficult enough being with someone who couldn't express himself in private, but to also have to hide it from prying public eyes? I highly doubt WuFei would be as willing to put up with something like that as Heero was.

That is the main root of my problem; finding someone who would be willing to hide in the shadows while I parade in the light. Perhaps I'll decline running for anymore offices next term? That decision will take time and careful consideration.

It's getting late, so I'll have to end this entry.

And so as my friends slowly find love and happiness I find myself sad. My jealousy always quickly turns into sorrow and tonight, like the night I heard about Dorothy and Pryce; her new beau; I find myself unable to hold back my tears. I'll end up crying myself to sleep.

So good night dear diary perhaps someday I'll be able to hand you over to my child but I think that is a vain hope.

Relena

Relena closed her diary, placed it back in its box and locked it away. She blankly went through all the motions of preparing for bed; she showered, dried off, changed her clothes, and tucked herself in.

As she lay there she could hear voices from the past. It started with her father, "Remember that I always loved you Relena."; it continued with her mother, "No matter what happens Relena, dear, you know your father and I have always loved you."; and it ended with Heero, "Suki da Relena."

Relena buried her face in her pillow and silently cried.

_**~You must love me~**_


End file.
